It’s a New Dawn
Also posted on AO3
The Doctor closes her eyes against the light of the TARDIS console. She breathes in deeply and pushes back the tears threatening to escape. She had just sent her gang on their way home with a promise of adventure soon.
But now, as the loneliness seeps into her skin, she leans against the console. She ignores the groans of the TARDIS. She ignores the way her lovely ship whines in sympathy. She cries. All of the emotion that she has kept back since she regenerated comes bursting out.
She lets her mind wander as the tears drip slowly down her face.
The TARDIS groans and the whooshing starts, signaling another adventure.
“Oh, stop it,” the Doctor whispers, sniffing slightly, “I don’t need your help, Sexy. I’ll be just fine on my own.” She forces fake cheer into her tone, hoping that it will convince the all knowing ship.
The wheezing stops. The console stills, and the lights dim. The door opens. The Doctor has no choice but to step out.
She freezes as the realization comes to her.
She hasn’t been back since… well, since she had spiky hair and a long, flowy coat that touched her Converse. It’s been years.
She’s tried to forget, tried to erase the memories by running and never looking back.
She had a bowtie, for a time, then an angry Scottish accent. Now she has a gang, a fam.
But now, the TARDIS has sent her back.
She blinks the tears away and looks up at the towering ceiling of the Library. It stretches as high as the sky, well lit compared to the last time the Doctor was there. Books line the hallway her TARDIS has parked in. She squints up at the sign hanging from a shelf. She’s in the romance section, specifically the loss of a lover section.
The Doctor turns back to her ship and frowns.
“Why would you do this?” Her voice is soft but commanding, as it seems to always be these days. “I don’t need this right now.”
The ship doesn’t respond.
She jerks the handle, but it doesn’t open.
“Come on, Sexy, let me leave. I need to prepare for the next planet with my friends.”
Nothing happens.
She sighs in defeat and drops her hands to her sides. There’s no point is fighting. She turns back to the hall. With a deep breath, she strides forward, her long, gray coat flowing behind her.
Any tears that might fall are quickly wiped away as the Doctor passes the romantic history section. The Library is empty, and the Doctor is alone. She wanders through the halls, not knowing where she’s going and hoping she finds the way.
The hall opens up to the sky. It is a bright yellow that makes Earth’s sun look dull in comparison. She stands there and soaks in the warmth shining in through the balcony. She steps out of the hall and into the light.
A grand staircase leads down to where she knows she needs to go. She takes it step by step, her mind buzzing with every movement. She can’t think straight. She can’t think at all.
The dark consumes her once again when she enters the main room. She is greeted by silence, not even a Node to ask her what she’s looking for. Somehow, the silence is worse.
Every footstep echoes through the massive halls. Every breath seems too loud.
She finds the room easily enough. The room where she watched her wife die, but not really. Because she was uploaded to the interface.
The Doctor sees the handcuffs laying on the floor. She notices the space suit on the ground, then the empty chair. Her eyes are drawn to the large screen that lines the wall with the word CAL written in the center.
Her knees give out. They hit the stone floor with a thud and pain courses through her body, both physical and emotional. She lets the tears come freely now.
She crawls to sit with her back against the wall. Her head bangs against it once, then she lowers her chin to her chest and pulls her legs up, her arms wrapping around them. She cries, then sobs, then just sits there, eyes fixed on the opposite wall. Then, she speaks.
“River,” she says, voice warped and throat dry from crying, “if you can hear me, I’m very sorry. I know that we had our time together on Darilium. I know we had years to spend while you were in jail. I know, and I’m glad that we had that, but it’s my fault. It’s my fault you died.”
She clears her throat to fight the wave of emotion. She’s never said this before.
“I should’ve been the one uploaded. I should’ve been the one to give my life for all those people. But you’re so stubborn. You stopped me. Why did you stop me?”
The Doctor glances up at the ceiling, but there’s no response.
“I… I regenerated a while ago. Almost a month now. I’m a woman. I guess I was always a woman, just like I’ll always be those men that came before me. I’ll always have the need to make bad puns and save people, even if it hurts me. And it has hurt me.
“But I have a fam now. I know, you always hated the modern slang, but it just feels right, you know? They’re a whole new generation of human, well, except Graham. He’s old, but the others are young.”
She smiles.
“I like them. There’s Graham. He used to be a bus driver, a very intelligent and connected job apparently. He was Ryan’s Nan’s husband. She died recently in a fight with a Stenza. It wasn’t supposed to happen, it was cheating, but she fell. Then there’s Ryan. He’s younger, and a fighter. He always wants to prove himself, even if he has to use weapons to do it. I tried to warn him, but he had to learn the hard way.
“And last of all, Yazmin. I call her Yaz because she’s my friend. She’s a police officer that can’t wait to be in charge. She’s brave and isn’t scared to take the lead. She reminds me a bit of Amy with that trait.”
Tears start to well up in her throat.
“But never mind that. I just wanted to check in, see how you are doing. Right now, your past self is on Darilium with my past self, but I don’t want to disturb them. I just wanted to talk to you, whether I knew it or not. Thank the TARDIS for helping me out.”
She pushes herself to her feet unsteadily.
“Until next time, Sweetie.”
If she walks slowly back to the TARDIS, who would comment? The Library is empty. If she breaks down in her own console room, who but the TARDIS would know? If she shows up in Sheffield without the normal bounce in her step, no one says anything. No one asks her why her eyes are red as if she’s been crying, or why her ring is clutched in her hand like a lifeline. And if her eyes don’t shine when she smiles, no one asks about it.
They travel on to their next adventure, with a planet of only forests and a creature that hunts at night.
The Doctor carries on.
sidhwen 